The President Of The United States for 3 more weeks
To President Barack Hussein Obama,
This has been a busy week for you Mr. President. With the way long overdue refusal of enabling Israel to further turn into a nation of apartheid, and your decision to expel every Russian diplomat out of every embassy and luxury digs in our country based on still alleged attacks on the recent election, the latter being you finally getting bipartisan respect from all of the establishment elected hacks from the GOP. Now that you are finally swinging your balls like a mace when you had 8 years and two mandates to do something remotely effective, with the exception of bailing out the banking and car industries that are still committing offenses and a dreadful foreign policy extolling the use of drones and social media to solve decades of oppression in the middle east, it’s time to do the righteous thing and make a last minute executive decision to legalize marijuana.
That’s right, and hurry up before that legislative neanderthal Sessions gets confirmed (although I don’t think he will be, but it’s best to play it safe). The rationale of this is sound, for 37 states have either legalized, decriminalized or made it legitimate for medical usage. Considering that the last executive decision you made was cultural, which was the national landmarking of the Stonewall Inn, the legalizing of the sticky-icky should be a no brainer and will not be challenged at all. Even in states that want to continue this backwards prohibition, since they can no longer rely on privatized prisons to jail those caught in possession of a dime bag.
Besides, with the economic success in Colorado and the inevitable lucrative certainty in California, this will not have a problem with congressional approval. Also, this would be manna to President Trump and his plutocrat cabinet, and will use his deal making skill sets to dissuade the most hardline conservatives of his cabinet. And it will give his trillion dollar nationwide infrastructure plan much needed funding in the long run from all the taxes accrued from pot sales and cultivation.
The time is right too, for people need relief and escapism and there has to be a way to cut down on the rise of heroin abuse and painkillers and all the trafficking involved. Also, the amount of police time trying to stop it.
So get your pen ready Barry, and get this done. As a former stoner with the good fortune not to get caught, you got to be high not to do this. And for good measure, make the announcement and signing at 4:20 PM.
The greatest satirist of this generation
To the Rev. Sir Dr. Stephen T. Mos Def Colbert DFA,
Even though you have great security in a nice cushy job now in a land-marked theater in a somewhat oversaturated and mediocre medium with competition that can’t hold a candle to you in the late night format. In consideration to the chaotic times, rote pop culture, and nationwide uncertainty, insecurity and the inevitable disillusionment that will engulf this nation once Trump starts deciding things on Jan. 21 2017, it is time and the utmost duty to resurrect the Colbert Report.
Now I know it’s a long shot, being that Comedy Central owns the rights to it, but there has to be a loophole somewhere (after all it’s in your name) that can allow you to revive this legendary show, for it might be the only thing that will give the nation the checks and balances that the print, media and digital news have squandered in the last decade and seem powerless to enforce. Even if it’s in a satirical format. And it’s the least Les Moonves can do since he is partially responsible for enabling the victory for the most unqualified and opportunistic person to get the keys to the white house. Maybe you and your team can guilt and coax him to make a deal with Comedy Central so you can make your subtle and cutting alter-id back. And like the speculative wall in Mexico, make Lesa and his partners pay for it.
Although I still tune in, the show is just not effective and not as funny as it should be. The voids from earlier bits like the word, tip of the hat, and the threat down are clearly felt with these weak bits like the celebrity star gazing and that twitter war tripe. And the majority of celebrity guests are fucking boring and seem only interested in promoting their films, especially the ones involved in these comic book regurgitations. There’s got a be a way to bring back the public news show type format when you had pundits, authors and elected officials on regularly.
As for the band, Jon Baptiste is a nice super-talented guy, but he’s not funny. Bits tend to halt when he interjects. Sure the band’s improved with more players, but they don’t seem to groove. There also don’t funk well, the guitar players could use a wah wah pedal
I think it’s kind of a waste as the greatest satirist of our time and maybe in the past 5o years could contribute so much more if you were let loose by your network that is clearly holding you back. Especially during the campaign when you could have scorched the Trump campaign and even Hillary’s by exposing their vainglorious pursuits.
And now that Trump is doing a virtual boycott of the fourth estate, for reasons that seem shady now that Obama has kicked Russian diplomats out of the country, it’s time to fill the void of investigative reporting and constructive criticism with the sneering defiance and the dom perignon vintage dry wit that you perfected for 10 years. It’s time to be a formidable opponent.
If there is anything that can motivate the Repor(t)’s return, you should know that Trump’s lawyer Kellyanne Conway has put the world, to quote one of your segments, on notice.
The nation, and the world needs you and the Repor(t) back.